Goodbye isn't goodbye

"How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard" -Winnie the Pooh

I have dealt with death in my life. It becomes a natural thing at some point. Sometimes you expect it, other times you don't. This past week I lost one of the greatest people in my life. Although this isn't a happy topic and it really shouldn't be my first official blog post, the timing of my grandmother's passing just so happened to come with me feeling the need to write about it.

My grandma was the kindest person I know. With not a hateful bone in her body, she would continuously check on other people before herself. The past two years have been very tough on my family and I. We saw her body deteriorate because she was battling cancer and it hurt us deeply. It wasn't easy at all to see the strongest person we know crumble before our very eyes.

The last two weeks of her life were the hardest and the easiest all mixed together. Taking care of someone who is put in hospice care is tough. And for someone like my grandma, many people wanted to come visit and help in any way they could. Constant visitors and always taking care of my grandma was tough. But then there were the little moments that brought us peace.

Many moments I want to keep secret. These moments were between my family and my grandma and they will forever be held sacred among us. However, no matter how bad it got my grandma would always kiss me on the cheek before I went to bed. She would always look into my eyes and for just a second, it was as if we were merely going to sleep for the night.

This brings me to the element of death. Death is tough. It isn't something I've gotten used to yet and it isn't something I believe I will ever get used to. To be in a place where my grandma no longer lives is a strange feeling. It hasn't quite hit me yet. It will probably hit me randomly in three months when I want to call her up and tell her something. But for now, it's just different.

In this case, death really isn't goodbye. My grandma is always with me, no matter where I go. I wear the ring she gave me days before she died and I know she's guiding me. I recently got a tattoo in her handwriting which always reminds me that she loves me. I have her picture everywhere and I can even still hear her voice so clearly.

Although she may be gone, her spirit and legacy will never leave. My grandma taught me hard work and selflessness. She taught me what it means to do something out of the kindness of my heart, not for a reward or recognition. She lives through myself (and my family) because she was one of the best role models we could have had.

Goodbye isn't goodbye.

-jf